It was a cool late fall November evening in 1979 when I rang the doorbell in Kent. Emotions ranging from desperation to hope brought me to that door. Unhappy and struggling with my sexuality, I discovered that a gay men’s social group hosted a monthly dinner. It took me two months to find myself at that door. I was ready to walk out of the closet.
Art, a friendly older gentleman, welcomed me into the potluck. Little did I know at that awkward moment that advocating for gay and lesbian people would enter my life years later. Art would join and inspire me with his years of wisdom in the gay community.
Twenty-five years and no one I knew had ever lived openly gay. As more men arrived, a sense of comfort in being gay overcame my loneliness. Hearing shared stories and laughter, the feeling of belonging and community drew me closer to them.
My life transformed dramatically in those 3 hours. People of all ages, backgrounds, and professions tore away my nervousness. Some were masculine, some effeminate, and most just run-of-the-mill guys. People genuinely wanted to hear my story. I felt great comfort and found what was missing in my life.
From my years inside the closet, I feared the evening would be sexually charged. It was not at all. Friends and new arrivals like me shared in the food and drink and engaged in good conversation. I found myself in a long chat with a man I must admit I was attracted to.
John Plummer would become a friend from that night on. He told me later that he sensed I was coming out and needed a person to talk to. John and my relationship would never be sexual. He was the first to invite me on a dinner date, something that I was unsure where things might go. It was perfect, a night of good times and the foundation for a years-long friendship.
I said my goodbyes, a happy guy filled with many good emotions. I heard my name called as I walked to my car. Rick, the evening’s planner, was walking my way. He sensed this was my first time in a group of gay men. I am sure that was quite obvious! He urged me to keep opening that closet door wider and offered to talk to me one one-on-one.
I took him up on that offer. Rick would become my gay mentor. He is the man I owe so much to for helping me accept myself and be proud of who I am. I will share more about Rick and our relationship in the future. It warrants more than few sentences.
My life had turned 180 degrees with those men. I shed tears, tears of happiness, as I drove home. The experiences of that evening took me out of my dark place. I never would go back to that dark closet. The door was firmly slammed.
And now for the recipe… John Plummer brought his 5-bean casserole that evening. It was a hit. I told John it was delicious. He handed me that recipe on our first evening out. I make it often for potlucks and picnics. 45 years later, I think of our friendship, his kindness, and the many happy times we shared over the years.
I share the recipe below as a living piece of John and his friendship. My times with John and Rick taught me to be the caring listening voice for LGBTQ+ people, particularly for ones in emotional distress or coming out of the closet.
Care and compassion are free for us to give. I learned that on that November night. A single person can change your outlook and lead you to a better place.
Bon Appetit from John!