Until death do we know
The words of an obituary highlight the importance of respect and acceptance
I sat silently in the pew at a good friend’s memorial service as testimonials of her life were offered. She was a lesbian in a long-term loving relationship whose partner passed from cancer several years earlier. A significant chapter of her life was unspoken, the 20+ years of happiness with her partner.
I felt a shame that day that lingers in my memory years later. Why did I not stand and break the silence and speak of their love and commitment to each other? My “Midwest nice” kept me seated when I should have stood proudly and affirmed her life. I will never repeat this silence.
This week, an obituary reignited memories of my silence at my friend's memorial service. Edward, an 85-year-old Vietnam war hero and pillar in his community, lived a hidden life. His final act, a courageous coming-out in his obituary, spoke of a life yearning for peace, a peace finally found in truth. His story is both sad and joyous.
It would be good to say that the above stories are rare. They are not. I have witnessed this many times in my life as a gay man. We deserve to lead a happy life by being authentic to ourselves. There is something wrong in our society when people can only be authentically themselves in the grave.
I was afraid of being ostracized: by Family, Friends, and Co-Workers. Seeing how people like me were treated.
Edward’s sentences in the obituary say it all. The fear of ostracization and being shunned by those who love you is a prominent theme with queer people on their journey to outwardly live their life as who they are. Hate in words and actions are powerful forces that push the closet door shut.
He was the love of my life. We had 25 great years together
Edward's story stirs a deep empathy. Twenty-five years of shared love is a testament to courage that defied societal expectations. His final act wasn't just a confession, it was a declaration. With his truth spoken, with his life lived, he built a world where love, not fear, paved the way to inner peace.
Edward's obituary is a poignant reminder: coming out is a journey, not a destination. While it may not have been explicitly mentioned, it's certain he shared his truth with some, creating a haven of acceptance within his private circle. Each disclosure silenced the chorus of disapproval a little more.
The silence of the obituary speaks volumes. Unmentioned is the hidden tax Edward paid for secrecy. Undoubtedly, there were moments of pure joy that he couldn't share with loved ones. The wall that protected his love offered a sense of safety but must have been a heavy burden. Edward's story is a reminder of the true cost of living a life unseen.
This obituary is an action of great courage. Edward chose truth. He battled the internal war society waged on him, and in his final act, he emerged victorious. His legacy is not just of a life lived, but a testament to the courage it takes to be true to oneself.
Edward's obituary has a powerful message. It's a call to confront our anxieties and embrace the courage to live authentically. When someone entrusts us with their truth, it's a gift deserving of validation and empathy. Sharing Edward's story is a beacon of hope for others. Let it be a reminder that peace and acceptance are possible, and no one should journey alone.
The most powerful lesson from Edward? Kindness is the antidote to silence. Respect, not rejection, opens hearts and fosters understanding. By embracing empathy, we create a world where Edward's story is a relic of the past, a world where truth is spoken throughout life, not just whispered at the end.
Very powerful!
The love that (still sometimes) dare not speak its name. A beautiful tribute and reminder that it's never too late.