Queerly navigating the holidays

This holiday season can present unique challenges for many queer people.

Altered Image courtesy of Kato Blackmore 🇺🇦 on Unsplash

Like it or not, the holidays have arrived. Like the tapping of the ceremonial first keg at Octoberfest, Mirriah Carey belts out ‘All I Want for Christmas’ to open the season. Retailers have been celebrating Hallowthanksmas since Labor Day.

Holidays can be challenging for everyone. Family gatherings often involve passive-aggressive behavior thinly veiled with a positive spin that hurts. There's always a relative harboring trivial resentment from a Facebook post or past encounter.

Many queer people face unique challenges during the holidays when gathering with family. Often, the queer person has left their family home and town and found a new community that uplifts and supports them, their chosen family. Conflict arises with their biological family when they return home for family holidays.

Protecting mental well-being and happiness is a top priority for queer people. We must be prepared for subtle and not-so-subtle insults that can take an emotional toll. Certain family members, especially passive-aggressive ones, might present themselves as friendly while engaging in subtly confrontational behavior they perceive as justified and acceptable.

Acknowledge that you may be entering an environment that may not be supportive. You might feel uncomfortable, stressed, and subject to negative judgment. The ‘Gird your Loins’ scene in 'Working Girl' exemplifies that moment at a family gathering when that not-so-accepting relative enters the room.

Queer people, like everyone else, want to feel comfortable during family gatherings, even with those who may hold different views. This means that family members should refrain from judging your sexuality or the person you brought as a guest, significant other, or spouse.

This is another time when queer people pay the 'queer tax.' These are the hidden costs associated with being queer, such as considering how to present your identity to avoid harmful situations. The cost is heavy when downplaying your sexuality, relationships, and identity to avoid perceived negative consequences.

Spending time with family during the holidays can be enjoyable, but setting clear boundaries and expectations is essential. Before any gathering, have open conversations with both supportive and challenging family members. Make it clear that inappropriate behavior is unacceptable and agree to put aside differences for the duration of the holiday celebrations.

If a conflict arises, pick your battles carefully. Ideally, a supportive relative may step in to help defuse the situation. At times, it’s wiser to change the subject or engage someone else in conversation. If tensions grow, consider letting the matter go. If the negative behavior continues, it’s best to simply walk away.

Remember, accepting an invitation doesn't mean you must always be present. Take a break or go for a walk, spending the time de-stressing. Rejoin the family, focusing on the good memories and the positive aspects of your relationships.

Sara and Andrianna's episode of 'How to Bring a Girl Home for the Holidays' on the Pillow Talk YouTube series offers an honest look at the considerations queer people must make when accepting holiday family invitations.

There's a chance that things might not go as well as you hoped. Take some time to de-stress and clear your head. Don't immediately cut the person out of your life and block them on social media or your phone. That time may or may not come after some reflection. When leaving a bad situation, let people know why. Don't surrender your power by letting them speak for you and invent the reasons for your departure.

Know that you cannot control other people's behavior. You can spend a lot of effort trying to do so, but ultimately, it won't work. The one thing you can control is your reactions. You alone decide the actions that will care for your mental health and well-being.

Holidays should be bright and joyful. However, for some, this may not be the case. Each of us has a responsibility to be mindful of others in our community and to help them find joy, love, and acceptance in their lives.